Have you ever been so tired, you find yourself wailing despairingly, “I just want to go to bed!” …when you’re already on your way there?
I do this to myself sometimes. The other day, as I was walking in the woods, I caught myself whining that I just wanted to walk in the woods. Even though I was there, it didn’t register because I was rushing through my already-too-short walk to start my work day.
Intellectually, we all know we can’t possibly do everything we want to do–there’s just not enough time–so we have to pick. We have to curate, or we end up slaves to the whirlwind of everyday life. The urgent shoves aside the important, duct tapes its mouth shut, and sits on it. That’s how people suddenly wake up to find that ten years have gone by and they haven’t done anything they really cared about.
I know this, but somehow I must not really believe it. Otherwise, why would I keep making the same mistake?
Every Monday when I make up my list of tasks for the week, I have every desire and expectation of finishing them all. Come Friday when I look back over the list, 75% of the tasks are usually still undone. And that doesn’t even count the multitude of off-list tasks that got blown off.
I know this, yet I keep making the mistake of waiting until my work is done to do things like rest, walk in the woods, or journal.
So, what did I do when I found myself walking in the woods and whining that I wanted to walk in the woods? I walked in the woods.
I woke up to the moment. Instead of rushing my walk to get back to work on schedule, I slowed down. I let myself walk farther and more slowly. I even spent some time sitting on a bench and thinking.
Most importantly, I looked at what was going wrong. Why was I feeling so deprived and desperate in the first place?
I could complain about being an introvert and needing a lot of solitude to recharge. I could complain about being a creative type and needing a lot of mind-wandering time to get inspiration. I could complain about being unusually sensitive and needing a lot of quiet time. I could even complain about my awesome boyfriend making me have too much fun all the time. All of that is true, but it would be silly to complain about it.
My life has been really full lately. I’ve learned to build a cigar box guitar and a leaded glass panel. I’m a regular at Tuesday Night Woodworking, where I generally crochet. (ha ha!) I dance and play and cook and drive race cars. Meanwhile, I’ve also been working on a Kindle formatting service and writing a lot of proposals for freelance work on elance.
Once I took the time to think about why I felt the way I did and what I wanted instead, it was obvious that my life is great. I just need to be a little more diligent in taking care of myself. I looked at what I wanted more of (uncheduled time, solitude, sitting around, playing guitar, walking in the woods, rest) and what I wanted less of (structure, driving, schedules, planned activities). Then I looked for opportunities to get more of what I want and less of what I don’t.
This seems ridiculously obvious in retrospect, but somehow I have to keep having this revelation over and over again. I used to think that meant I was a dumbass, but apparently, it’s just part of the human condition. Jenny Blake, a friend and hero of mine for how centered and awesome she is, recently wrote a blog post titled “What do do when you feel batshit crazy.” The first line: “Oh wait! I have absolutely no idea.”
Glad it’s not just me!
It’s the start of a new school year, which has always been more powerful to me than the new year that comes in January. Now is a great time to take a step back and give your life a checkup. What do you want more of? What do you want less of? What small shifts can help you get there?
It’s also good to take this on more of a micro level. Whenever you think of it throughout the day, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
Then, don’t do like I do, which goes something like this:
“What do I need right now?”
“I’d kill to lie down for 20 minutes. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Maybe I’ll empty the dishwasher instead… Oh well, back to work.”
Instead, actually listen to yourself and give yourself what you need if you can.
“What do I need right now?”
“I really need to get clarity on this jangly feeling in my stomach.”
“Ok, time for some journaling.” [sits down to journal]
Even if you can’t always get what you need immediately, just knowing what it is can help you get it later.
What about you? What do you need right now?
So often I don’t take the time to come to the bottom of my uneasiness. I either ignore it until it goes from a grumble to a shout, or I distract myself.
While it can be uncomfortable working things out, I always feel SO much better afterwards. You’d think I’d learn, but 40 years worth of life experience has proven that I obviously need more practice at it.
Your post has been an encouragement for me to take some time this weekend to just be, to come in touch with voice and find out exactly where my focus should be.
Thank you for this reminder.
Your quotes sound just like the voices in my head most of the time – here’s what I would like to do but I really should get back to work.
I just got back from a walk in the woods – something I’ve been denying myself for too long, especially when it’s my back yard (I live in the mountains). It felt awesome! I made a resolution to replace some stressors in my day with a walk going forward. I know it will make a dramatic difference in me!
Thanks for an awesome post Cara!
Cara, you are amazing. I always love your posts and YOUR honesty — you are a model and hero of mine for those exact same reasons!! This line of your post particularly resonated with me: “Then I looked for opportunities to get more of what I want and less of what I don’t. This seems ridiculously obvious in retrospect, but somehow I have to keep having this revelation over and over again.”
Why is it that we do have to learn that lesson over and over, and yet we get frustrated with ourselves during those emotional storms? It’s almost like I have an expectation that if I just learn/do the right things those storms won’t come. I’m learning (SLOOOOWLY) that they still show up, but hopefully with slightly less upheaval. And when there’s more? Well, that’s part of the journey and the learning process too.
And Kindle formatting service, eh?? That’s such a smart move for you! I might be in touch soon about that 🙂
Cara, this is really a nice post. To find out what do you REALLY need this moment you have to be present in this moment. Most people live in a dreamy state. They are not alert and present.
“What do I need right now?”
Well, I just want to say thank you for your great post! 🙂
I thought it was just me feeling that life is spinning away and there is nothing much to show for it despite being frantically busy a lot of the time… Busy doing nothing that I really want to do that is. So many years have passed like this and there is an urgent feeling like a ball of anxiety deep inside that is now urging me to take a long and hard look at the way the moments pass. Good to read your views and thank you for the sharing.
I would say that it is unfortunate that there is not enough time in a day to do everything we need to do; However if the day was longer, 28 hours instead of 24, we would still fill that extra four hours with more than we can do in a 28 hour day. We would simply hope for more time…
Therefore, like you said, we have to chose what we will do during the day and lay down at night content with what we accomplished.
thanks for the insight.
John
What a great post, everything you talk about completely resonated with me. I sometimes spend so much time worrying and moaning about what I wish I could be doing, that I probably could have actually been doing it during that time.
Another inspiring post – thank you =) I agree with Jenny, you are amazing!
Give yourself what you need.
Sounds like fuel for freedom!!
I also need to remember that “rest is a weapon”
I need to give myself some!!
Nice post
So inspiring! Wanting vs. creating right now is a trick. Just do what you want. Small changes and steps are very powerful (see: Kaizen).
Very interesting&inspiring.
Thanks, I need to re-invent myself now, also i need to get more spiritual, freat post, keep up the good work too, arigato.
Great thought on self questioning!
Thanks for sharing this post 🙂
Interesting post! It actually got me thinking…
There are some things that I definitely want LESS of and I just realized that I’ve been neglecting them for quite a while now…
Thanks for opening my eyes!