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We all feel stuck from time to time. Sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing or we just can’t think of anything good to do. Sometimes, even when we know what we want to do and are really into it, we still get bogged down and can’t seem to make any progress.
I’ve worked through being stuck more times than I want to consider. In fact, after I started writing my new book about getting unstuck (coming soon!), I came down with the worst case of stuckness I’ve ever had. It’s the authors’ curse of myth and lore, which dictates that whenever you write a book about something, you will be afflicted with it five times worse than ever before in your life. Write a book about how to be happy? You’ll be miserable. Writing about fitness? You’ll be a fat couch barnacle for the duration.
I think next time, I’ll write about how to deal with the terrible difficulties of deciding what to spend your money on when you’re very, very rich.
Meanwhile, here are a few mental traps I’ve identified that contribute to being stuck, and how to extricate yourself.
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Perfectionism
When you believe everything you do has to be perfect, it’s easy to psych yourself out to the point where you’re afraid to make a move. It’s almost impossible to do something right on the first try. Deep down we know this, but we still try. Unfortunately, the more we focus on not wanting to make a mistake, the more difficult it becomes to do anything at all. After all, what if it’s wrong?
What helps: Let go of mistakes and perfection. Consider what you’re doing as a first attempt or rough draft, and get to work. If you mess it up, you can fix it later. It’s much easier to turn something flawed into something great than to turn nothing into something.
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Fear of Failure
Like perfectionism, fear of failure is a great way to stay stuck. The more energy you spend contemplating what could go wrong, the scarier it can seem to take on any interesting challenge you can think of.
What helps: Realize that fear of failure can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you’re too afraid to try something, you definitely won’t succeed at it. By not trying, you guarantee the outcome you fear. You might as well try–your odds will be much better.
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Lack of confidence
One of our biggest fears is that we won’t be able to handle whatever comes next. That’s a big part of why we avoid change and the unknown so much. If you’re afraid you don’t have what it takes to face whatever life hands you, it’s natural to want to keep everything the same and never step outside your comfort zone. The good part is, nothing changes, but the bad part is, nothing changes. There’s a thin line between a safe haven and a rut.
What helps: Reassure yourself. As you look back over your life, you’ve handled everything that has come up, in one way or another. Maybe you learned new things, exhibited strength you didn’t know you had, or called in reinforcements and got help. People are very resilient–whatever happens, we find a way to get what we need.
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Fear of commitment
Whenever I start something new, whether it be a huge project or a morning writing session, I always feel resistance. I think it’s because I throw myself into everything I do so completely; I hesitate to start something because I don’t want to lose myself and my free time.
Even if you aren’t so all-or-nothing, you may hesitate to start things out of fear of commitment. After all, “quitters never win and winners never quit,” right? If you believe that, your only choices are sticking with everything you start, or not starting new things at all. It’s no wonder we have a hard time starting.
What helps: Look on new projects as experiments, not commitments. You’re totally allowed to try things and not stick with them if you don’t like them. It doesn’t make you a loser, it makes you a good curator of your life.
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Fear of judgment
One of the most common fears of all is the fear of looking foolish. What if I try something and screw it up? They’re all gonna laugh at me!
I have a great aversion to being incompetent in front of other people. That has caused me to miss some cool adventures. Doing something new involves making mistakes and not knowing what you’re doing–the dirty process of learning. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s good.
What helps: Let go. Accept the fact that you’re human, you don’t know everything, and you will make mistakes. People who are good at doing things know how much work it took to develop that skill–they don’t expect you to have been born with it. Moreover, most people want to help. Most people are also too busy thinking about themselves to notice what you’re doing.
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Lack of focus
If you’re trying to do too much at once, it can be hard to do anything. Between interruptions, distractions, and an overabundance of choices, it’s easy to get frustrated and overwhelmed, and stay stuck. Even just three choices is enough to immobilize me: “I’m tired. Should I take a nap, or go for a walk? Hmm, walk in the woods? Walk by the river? Nap? Woods? River? Nap?” And that’s not even including any of the projects I’m working on!
What helps: Prioritizing and making decisions is more taxing than you might think, especially if you’re trying to keep all of the options in your head while trying to decide what to do next. Instead, write down everything you could/should/want to do on a big list so you don’t have to waste energy trying to remember it all. Then look at the list. Which task seems most appealing? Which seems most important? Which is the best fit for how you’re feeling right now? Still can’t decide? Flip a coin. Doing anything is better than sitting around in a dilemma, or fleeing to Facebook.
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Intimidation
When you feel overwhelmed, it’s difficult to do anything beyond the bare minimum required to sustain you where you are now. Branching out is beyond you. If you think about your next challenge or project, and all you feel is unequal to the task, it’s hard to motivate yourself to try it.
What helps: Instead of dwelling on how difficult, scary, or important your project is, think about why you want to do it. Look for one small piece that you can do, and look for help or information to ease the rest.
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Exhaustion
It’s difficult to be creative, stay focused, get motivated, or see your situation clearly when you lack energy. I know this only too well. I have a long history of ignoring my tiredness and pressing on despite it. I can say from experience that working when you’re tired is a great way to do crappy work and feel miserable. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle: everything takes longer to do when you’re tired, so you have less time and feel farther behind, so you feel even more driven to work hard.
What helps: Rest. Really. It’s obvious, but I’ve had to tell myself over and over: it’s more efficient to take the time to rest, and then work when you’re in a good state of mind, rather than dragging yourself along and trying to work when you’re half-drunk with exhaustion. That’s not just a metaphor–according to sleep researcher Charles A. Czeisler, averaging four hours of sleep a night for four or five days causes impairment equivalent to being awake for 24 hours straight or being legally drunk. (Source)
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Confusion
If you don’t have a clear picture of what you want to do or what you’re trying to accomplish, it’s almost impossible to make any progress. In addition to not knowing what to do or where to start, uncertainty tends to generate a strong desire to run away and hide.
What helps: Get clarity wherever you can. Do research and break the project down until you understand it better. Ask questions and get help.
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Despair
Even when we have a good start on something, we can still get stuck if things don’t seem to be going as we hoped. When you look at where you are and find it impossibly far from where you want to be, it’s hard to stay motivated. When it doesn’t feel like your efforts are amounting to anything, it’s easy to want to give up.
What helps: Find ways to measure your progress. This could be anything from a master checklist with ever-increasing numbers of checkmarks to one of those giant fundraising thermometer signs. The more you can show yourself that you’re moving forward, the better you’ll feel and the easier it will be to stay motivated.
If you find yourself stuck and want some help, I’m launching a new service called Clarity + What to do Next. You describe your situation to me, and I provide, well, clarity and an idea for what to do next. This all takes place over email; one session includes up to four rounds of back-and-forth messages. Normally, the price will be $110, but for the first five clients, I’m offering it on a pay-what-you-can basis. Interested? Email me: cara [at] 17000 [dash] days [dot] com
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