• Tweet

• Tweet

You show up at the end of a long drive, only to get a guilt trip about not caring enough, including offenses that occurred before you were born. You arrive for the big dinner, only to find out it’s three hours earlier than the plan you heard and you’re actually late, not early. Everybody gets in a big fight and spends half the holiday storming around or not speaking to each other. You try to string up the lights but fall off the roof and blow the transformer for the whole neighborhood. (Well, ok, maybe that last one only happens in the movies.)

We are so weird as a society. We take this holiday that’s supposed to be about love and peace, and we dress it up in flashing lights, grating songs repeated ad nauseam, strife, and commercialism.

I hate driving or shopping from Thanksgiving through Christmas, because everything gets so mobbed with stress-crazed wild-eyed lunatic people who just have to cut you off to make sure you don’t get the last Tickle-Me Elmo instead of them (or whatever it is this year).

Just when I start to think I’m alone in my annual Christmas misanthropy (there must be something wrong with me???) I remember all the movies about Christmas. Yep, fights, misadventures, guilt trips, and falling off the roof–it’s all there.

The whole scene is enough to drive anyone crazy. Even the small talk bears it out. I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if I’m ready for Christmas. I don’t even have a bunch of presents to buy, decorating to do, or cookies to bake, but the question still fills me with anxiety, and I haven’t met anyone this year who was cheerfully looking forward to it. (Well, ok, Ash, but nobody in person.)

Why does it suck so much?

The Christmas season is a unique blend of guilt trips, memories (happy and sad), pressure, and false obligation. There’s a big ramp-up in the usual advertising messages to tell us that we’re not good enough and should buy stuff to get people to like/love us.

Meanwhile, we have relatives pressuring us, tons of parties to attend or say no to, and rituals to complete (decorating, baking, shopping, wrapping presents). On top of that, many people have long trips to make or unpleasant relatives to visit.

And the never-ending repetition of the same annoying songs every year! I am truly happy for the people who enjoy Christmas music, but personally, except for a very few songs, it makes my head explode.

In general, people who are stressed tend to be more impatient, easier to upset, and more thoughtless and rude. Normal high-stress situations, like moving, divorce, or illness, impact only a small percentage of the population at any given time, so there are still plenty of calm people to inject sanity and act as a support group. But with all the Christmas hype, a majority of people are affected. Even the folks who don’t celebrate Christmas are subjected to the ads, the ubiquitous songs, the stressful vibe, and the bad driving, causing a vicious cycle of infectious stress and mayhem. Thus, the annual Christmas misanthropy.

How to make it better for yourself

I used to really dread the holidays, but I’ve learned a few coping strategies and changes in outlook that have really helped me. I still kind of wish we could skip the whole thing, honestly—I hate stuff with big expectations, even my birthday—but it doesn’t make me miserable any more. This year, I kind of wish I was going to Puerto Vallarta or anyplace warm instead of Pennsylvania, but I’ll be glad to see my family and spend time with them. Here’s what I find helpful to enjoy, or at least take most of the surliness out of, the holidays.

Remember the facts of life.

No, not those facts. The ones about how the world works and how to deal with other people.

• You are an adult. If you’re old enough to read this, you’re old enough to act like an adult, and assuming you really are over 18, you have the power to make your own decisions. Nobody can make you do anything. Figure out what you’re going to do based on your values and what works best for you, then tell your plans to the people who need to know. If you fail to commit, or ask instead of telling, other people will make plans for you that may not match your wants and needs.

  Specifically, if something makes you miserable every year, don’t do it. Fake a stomach ache this year if you feel you need to, and see what happens. Notice that the world does not end and everyone manages to go on without you and have a good time. Next year, instead of the phony illness, just make other plans for the same time. By the third year, nobody will be surprised to hear a simple “no.” Of course, if you’re less wussy than me, just skip right to the “no.” (I had to build up to it.)

• You are worthy. You don’t need anyone’s approval, and you don’t have to listen to Great Aunt Tilly or Mean Uncle Bob telling you how fat you look this year or demanding to know when you’re going to have children. There will always be people who disapprove of our choices, no matter what they are. The important thing is whether you approve of the life you’re living. If it’s not what you want, by all means, change it, but either way, you don’t have to listen to rude relatives.

  If you know some people always push the same buttons, prepare witty comebacks before you see them, or avoid them. Even if somebody blindsides you, you don’t have to take it. For passive-aggressive remarks, call them on the implied meaning of what they said. For example, counter “Joey here never calls us, unlike his brother, who cares about his poor old parents,” with, “when did you get the idea that I don’t care?”

  If someone continues harping on something you don’t want to talk about, change the subject. If they keep going back to it, say “Excuse me, I don’t want to talk about that,” and redirect to the new subject. If they keep pressing, just keep firmly and calmly saying, “Excuse me, I said I don’t want to talk about that.” As long as you stay calm and polite, the only alternatives for the other person are dropping the subject or looking like an ass—their choice.

• You’re allowed to change your mind. If you realize that the plans you’ve made are filling you with dread, change them. Just notify the people who will be affected. Be polite but firm. You’re not doing anyone any favors by dragging yourself to something if all you’ll do is feel resentful the whole time you’re there.

• You can change the rules (but not the people). For a lot of people, part of the problem with the holidays is that the family gets together and everybody regresses to their old roles. Parents start treating adult children like kids, and adult children suddenly find themselves feeling and acting like they’re 16 again (or 3).

  It doesn’t have to be that way. Hot topics for these regression conflicts include cars, meals, and who goes where when. If your family has set ways of handling these areas that don’t match your preferences, approach it from an adult perspective, and negotiate a new framework. Sometimes it helps to do this in advance, before you all convene, but either way, The Way Things Have Always Been Done can be changed.

  Maybe your mom has always been the cook but you’re a vegetarian now, and she hates cooking anyway—negotiate to take over some of the cooking. Maybe your mother-in-law has a habit of expecting everyone to arrive at a certain time but not telling anyone what that time is until it’s impossible not to be late. Do a pre-emptive strike and ask for the plan the day before, or just tell her when you plan to arrive. Rule changes like these are allowed and make it more likely for everyone to be happy.

  A change of venue can make this easier. If it’s feasible, have everyone (or just yourself!) stay in a bed and breakfast or rental cabin instead of the family homestead. Sometimes neutral turf is all it takes to get everyone behaving as equals and looking for what works instead of falling into outdated roles and habits.

  On the other hand, if someone persists in setting everyone up, being passive-aggressive, or being impossible to please, realize that you can’t change the way that person is. In reality, this behavior has nothing to do with you, it’s some issue belonging to that person. My therapist expresses it succinctly as “someone else’s shit.” There is nothing you can do about someone else’s shit. You’re not responsible for it, you can’t change it, and it’s not your problem, so don’t get caught up in it or waste energy worrying about it. Everyone has to work out their own shit in their own way.

• You don’t have to go. When it comes down to it, nobody can make you do anything. You could fake sick, lock yourself in the bathroom, lie and say you’re going to a third-world country to vaccinate babies like the couple in Four Christmases, or just flat-out refuse to go. This is true of any part of the holiday festivity collection, or the whole thing. If something makes you miserable, skip it. At the same time, remember that anything you do go to, you’ve chosen to be there. You’re not a victim, and there’s nobody to blame; you’re free to enjoy yourself or leave. You have that power—use it.

Take care of yourself

Ultimately, you are responsible for making sure you get what you need. Others may or may not help you with this, but in the end, it’s up to you. Observe how you’re feeling and what you need, and act accordingly. Here are some guidelines.

• Sleep, eat vegetables, and exercise. Especially if you’re away from home, you need your strength. Give your body the things it needs to work properly.

• Get alone time. Especially if you’re surrounded by relatives and/or a packed schedule, make sure you get some time for yourself to unwind, relax, recharge, and think.

• Be proactive. Get ready in advance as much as you can. For example, if you’re making a long drive, do the laundry, return the library books, take care of your banking, and buy road snacks a few days before. Buy gas or pick up the rental car the night before instead of the morning of the trip. The less stress you can give yourself, the better.

• Plan cool stuff. Even if you’re just going back to your home town for the millionth time, there has to be something good to do, even if it’s just a walk in the woods or getting together with old friends. If you need inspiration, imagine you’ve got friends coming from out of town and you want to show them the best your area has to offer. Where would you take them and what would you do? Do those things yourself, and invite the people you’d enjoy doing them with.

Contrary to all the popular culture messages about this season, it’s supposed to be about peace and love. It often works out the opposite, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Be the change. Make a season of peace and love for yourself this year, and enjoy the holidays! I wish us all health, good cheer, loved ones, joy, rest, renewal, connection, and peace.