Most people are unhappy. There are many possible reasons for this, but one of the most common is that there’s a conflict between their actions and what they truly value.
This is another thing that’s simple but not necessarily easy. It’s crucial to get your life in harmony or you can never be happy.
What am I talking about? Here’s an example. A lot of people will tell you that their kids are the most important thing in the world to them, yet they work long hours at the office and are rarely home to see their kids or spend time with them. Something is missing here: either they really don’t value their kids as much as they say, or they’re not living their values.
You can never be happy if your actions aren’t in line with your values–there will always be an uncomfortable tension, all the stronger if you’re violating beliefs that are very important to you.
If you’re feeling tension in your life, maybe it’s time to sort this out. The first step is to figure out what you really value. What’s most important to you in life?
Try brainstorming. Write your answers down–your ideas will flow more freely if you’re not trying to hold them in your head.
It should be pretty easy to come up with a few; maybe your values include things like honor, learning, prosperity, imagination, and heart. Not all values are easily expressed as just one word; don’t worry about that. “Being a good parent” is a fine answer.
If you get stuck, check Steve Pavlina’s huge list of values to fill in any blanks. Some of the values listed over there seem a bit odd or nonsensical (149: ferocity? See also 151: fierceness.), but there are lots of good ones hidden among them. For your list of personal values, coming up with 10-15 works well–if you have more than that, see if any of them can be combined, or throw out the ones that aren’t really that important to you.
You may find yourself adding things that you think people should value rather than things you actually do value. If you catch yourself doing that, take those things out. Nobody’s watching. This is your chance to be the real you. That’s the only way it works, so be honest.
Once you have a working list of values, take the time to flesh them out a little. If you picked “ferocity” as a value, what do you mean by that? What will you do to live up to it? Write a sentence or two, or even just some bullet points or phrases, explaining how each one impacts your life.
Next, prioritize. Which of these values is the absolute most important? Rank them in order. It’s important to know, not only what you value, but which of those values rank higher than others, because sometimes situations will come up where they’re in conflict.
The most obvious example is when someone who values integrity but also values wealth gets an offer to make a lot of money in a dishonest way. That’s only a dilemma if you don’t know what your values are and how they rank. If you know honesty is the most important thing to you, you’ll obviously pass up the offer; vice versa if wealth is most important. Similarly, if you’re offered a job in Qatar for five times your current salary, whether you take it or not will depend on how high money ranks compared to your other values.
Do you smile at people even though you don’t like them? Friendliness must be higher than frankness on your list. Do you stay up late writing, or do you go to bed and get some sleep? Your answer shows whether you value creativity and gratifying work more or less than you value health.
Once you have your values figured out and prioritized, the right decisions for you become clear.
But what if you look at your life and find discrepancies between your prioritized values and how you’re actually living?
That means something has to change. Either you don’t really value the ones you’re violating (so just admit it and redo your list with only your true values), or you really do value them and desperately need to change your actions.
Having your values prioritized also helps with setting goals and deciding which ones to pursue first. If adventure is one of your most important values, maybe your goal of sailing around the world will become your top priority instead of writing a book or saving for retirement. If order is more important, maybe you’ll choose to do a minimalist purge of your belongings instead.
The key is keeping it all in harmony. When what you do matches what you believe is important, you’re golden. When it doesn’t, the tension prevents you from being happy.
Here’s a concrete example. I did this exercise a year or so ago and concluded that my top values are integrity, joy, health, creativity, appreciation, connection, growth, and stewardship. Then I clarified them. Some are pretty obvious, but for example, I expanded stewardship as follows:
- Environmental: recycle, eat sustainably, don’t waste electricity, etc.
- Time: do the meaningful, valuable things and minimize waste
- People: be kind
For appreciation, I put:
- Acknowledge and be grateful for the good things in my life
- Thank people when they help me (on purpose or not)
- Realize that the events that seem bad are often for my own good and be at peace about them.
Integrity includes:
- Know my thoughts, needs, wants, likes, dislikes, beliefs, upsets
- Express these fully in relationships
- Be truthful in all my dealings
Looking over the list now, about a year after I wrote it, I’m pleased to note that most of my decisions have been in keeping with it. The two main shortfalls are that I haven’t kept in touch with my closest friends and family as much as I would like (connection), and lately, health has been getting sacrificed to creativity and growth on a regular basis, despite being higher on the list. I think the #3 spot is a pretty good place for health, though, so I’ll have to pay attention and get my actions back in line with that.
Also, I notice that I didn’t put anything about money or success on there. Money is important, but is it important enough to put on my list of most important values? I’d like to have plenty of money to do the things I love and not have to worry about how to pay for everything, but that seems more like a tool than an actual value.
Overall, everything feels much better than in the past. I’ve been systematically identifying things that bother me and defusing them. Relationships where I was afraid to be myself or say what I thought or wanted? Gone or renovated. (integrity) Job that seemed like a huge waste of time? Reduced, with plans for elimination, but also reshaped to be more interesting and satisfying in the mean time. (stewardship) Big, pretty house that came with a big mortgage payment and tiresome daily commute? Replaced. (Now if it would just sell…) (also stewardship)
You may find similar situations in need of addressing. Don’t be afraid to make big changes if that’s what it takes to get your life in line with your values. The closer you get, the more peace you’ll have and the happier you’ll be.
If you want more depth on this subject, the information in this post came from 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management by Hyrum W. Smith.
“You may find yourself adding things that you think people should value rather than things you actually do value.”
You make an important point there. Another reason so many people’s lives/happiness are out of whack is because they’re trying to strive for the things they think they’re *supposed* to want–whether it’s society’s standards of what an “average life” should contain, the standards of your partner, your parents, your boss…Knowing what *you* truly want is the first step in any right direction.
Excellent thought-provoking post! Now you’ve got me thinking in what ways my own life evidences a lack of harmony between my values and my actions…
> Knowing what *you* truly want is the first step in any right direction.
Definitely! I used to be such a pleaser and just do whatever I thought other people wanted me to do–I did that so much I had no idea what I wanted. It sounds stupid, but I had to practice figuring out what I wanted before I got to be any good at it.
I’m glad you found it thought-provoking–thanks! 🙂